Quality and Quantity Time in Married Life (Part 2 of 3)

Have you ever met a celebrity?  If so, you know that your time with them is usually quite short and stressful.  I recently heard and met my favorite band in person.  I worked on the questions I would ask them for weeks.  Then, when I actually met them, it was a disaster.  I stressed in the line about what I would say.  I stressed during the time that I met them as I tried to use my few precious seconds of time for the best purpose.  Then, I stressed afterwards rethinking what I had just said and wishing I had said something else.

After this incredible, yet draining experience.  I realized that the reason for all of this anxiety was the fact that I knew I most likely would never see them again and I wanted to make the absolute best impression possible.  Doesn’t this seem to be true about a conversation with anyone we do not talk to very often?

If you speak to a friend that you haven’t talked with in months or even years, it can require much more mental and emotional energy than talking with someone you speak to on a weekly basis.  The reason may be that they have not been a regular part of your recent life and filling them in on past months may be quite wearing.  What do you say in a short period of time that will update them on your life, create a memorable experience and leave them wanting more?

Quality Time Leads to Stress

This brings us to another reason why I argue that the theory of quality time over quantity time in a marriage is simply a lie.  If you know you will only have 30 minutes to talk face-to-face with your spouse each week, wouldn’t that 30 minutes become a period of stress instead of a period of enrichment?  You may do exactly what I did when I met the band.  1) Struggle with what to say while you anticipate the planned meeting.  2) Communicate your important thoughts in a way that comes across unlike you intended.  3) Spend hours afterwards rethinking what you should have said.

Quantity Time Leads to Connection

On the contrary, if you prioritize face-to-face time with your spouse each day, the opposite will be true. 1) You will look forward to a time of sharing updates on bigger life events as well as knowing there will be room to discuss the small items.  2) You will be more likely to say what you mean in a loving way because you know you can take the time to choose your words more carefully.  3) You may realize you misspoke during your last meeting but you will rest in knowing you can explain yourself better or even apologize very soon after.

Conclusion: Prioritize your quantity of time with your spouse and you will see how much less stressful your marriage becomes.
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Quality and Quantity Time in Married Life (Part 1 of 3)

I know that you have heard time and time again that quality time is more important than quantity time.  On some level I agree with that.  Still, what happens when a married couple only sees each other for a couple hours each week?  Even if that time is filled with joy and communication, it can never make up for having prioritized time each day for one another.

No matter how “quality” that 2 hours in a week may seem, couples have things they need to discuss from a week of activities.  The definition of “quality” time may boil down to the fact that you finally set up a time for the plumber to come out on a date that works for both of you.  That in itself may take a half hour or more.

Test Your Priorities
You may be reading this and assuming that more than 2 hours together a week is just not possible.  I understand that could be true but it is worth it to your relationship to take a second look.  Make a rough chart for a week in your life and see what it tells you about where your time is being spent.  Most of the time the results may be a bit of a surprise.

The Results May Surprise You
A couple of years ago, I looked at how a week in my life was used and realized I spent an average of 3 hours a day in the kitchen.  Yikes!  That certainly did not reflect what I wanted to show as my true priorities.  This hard to swallow information encouraged me to choose dinners that took less time to cook and to ask for help cleaning up.  The result was that I could spend more time on what I wanted to be my true priorities: my husband and my kids.

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Laugh Your Way to Teamwork

An Unusual Event
This morning, when my kids heard that we were having eggs for breakfast, they both offered to help.  Kadence wanted to cut the bacon and Kemuel wanted to crack the eggs.  I was admittedly shocked.  Lately, when they hear egg are on the menu, they groan.  Also, I have asked them if they want to help many time and it is extremely rare that they are interested in cooking.  I may not make it look like much fun since I tend to be stressed out in the kitchen.  In any case, I was convinced something must have changed in order for breakfast today to be so unique from other days.

The Theory
I thought about how yesterday had been different.  I recalled that after school the previous day, I had allowed both of my kids to laugh for a good half hour after the got home.  Then, it was time for homework and we muddled through together.  At dinner time, our entire family laughed for what seemed like hours at the dinner table after everyone had happily cleaned their plates.  We laughed about math, weather…even burping.  We were pretty worn out by the end but the positive energy continued to flow even after the family comedy session.

Plans for Further Tests
Honestly, everyone in our house is an entertainer on some level so the laughter flows pretty freely in the Anderson family.  Still, yesterday seemed to be an extra special fill of giggles.  I had to wonder if this energy may have poured over to today and caused the enthusiasm for helping in the kitchen.  I shared this with Erik and he found it interesting as well.  Next time we clean house, we will plan for a family comedic pre-show.  I think that may be just what we need to have enthusiasm for working together on chores.  If so, bring on those laughs!

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Too Much Information

I admit it, I’m a hypochondriac.  If I hear about some kind of new illness, I will worry about getting it and my brain may even start to come up with symptoms similar to what I was reading about recently.  Erik warns me to stay off of www.webmd.com but I don’t always take his advice.

I thought it was a great step forward when pharmaceutical companies were able to advertise drugs directly to consumers and then, I started watching them.  Can you believe how many side effects there are?  I am so thankful I rarely watch broadcast television or I may be having my own side effects from those ads.

A Lesson for Me
A lesson I am learning from all of this is that sometimes, there is just too much information available.  I am old enough to remember a time when there wasn’t a digital source available to look up answers to any and every question in the world.  Now, I look back and see that it was easier not to worry about the little stuff then.  It was easier to have your mind wander to simple, pleasant items such as what was going to be growing out in the garden in the morning.  If you didn’t have the option to learn what the worst case scenario was on your own, you weren’t caught wondering if you were going to be the 1% who got the worst end of the lab tests.

A Reminder as a Parent
As I raise my kids, I know they will have access to all of this information also.  When they have a question, they will be able to get “the answer” quickly.  They won’t be forced to just put it aside and continue focusing on the simple things that they know for certain such as bike riding in the cul de sac and family dinners.  There is just too much information available to take their thoughts on a tour of the terrible.

Questions for the Future
Is it good information?  Is it helpful to our life focus?  By having all of our questions answered, are we truly in a better place emotionally or do we lose control of our thoughts entirely?  I’m beginning to wonder if we are headed for a very dark place.  As you look for answers in this digital world each day, make sure to ask yourself these questions and protect your thoughts in the process.

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A New Definition of Adventure

“Adventure” is a word that brings up different pictures for everyone.  What does it mean for you?  Do you see it as good or bad?  Scary or exciting?  Standing on the wings of a biplane or in an ambulance at the supermarket?

When I first googled “Adventure”, I was surprised at what I found for a definition: “an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity”.  At that moment, my mind was flooded with possibilities as to what could be considered an adventure.

Because of that new perspective, I didn’t simply see a man climbing Mt. Everest.  Now, I see myself looking back on difficult health issues that I have come through in triumph.  I realize how we have all been through adventures in this life and we should give ourselves credit for our achievements!

Wisdom Already Gained
Our adventures are not just struggles from the past or accomplishments that do not apply in the present.  They are events that have given us valuable wisdom for the future.  We have the option to forget what those adventures have taught us but we lose so much treasure that has already been discovered if we do.

Use the Past for a Better Future
You may be dreaming of what amazing feats you could do “someday” or looking at others with judgement who have survived the impossible.  However, it will help you much more to look back through your own life.  Look and see what “hazardous experiences or activities” you have overcome.  Give yourself credit for your achievement and see what you learned from that adventure that can equip you for tomorrow.

You are much more equipped for the future than you realize.  If you triumphed over a difficult time in life, you know what you needed in order to come out on top of that adventure.  What did you learn during that time and how can it be a benefit for your adventure today?

 

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