I understand that quantity time may sound like something impossible and I hear you. Still, I believe quantity time is much less stressful to achieve than quality time. Let me explain.
Quantity Time Can Be Simple
If you are making time each day (even 30 minutes a day) to enjoy time together that may not be labeled as “quality” you are most likely sharing in regular real life, day-to-day experiences. You are getting to know each other in your “natural habitat” instead of locked in at a zoo for show. Quantity time may mean going to the grocery store together or even playing footsie while you read books. The important thing is you are together and you are learning about each other.
Quantity Time Makes You Feel Loved
When you begin to see that your spouse has made you a priority above other items in their life, you feel loved. You see that you are no longer assumed to be the one who gets just the leftover time. You realize that you are of value to be with. You are then refueled to see value in your spouse as well.
Quantity Time Equals Better Understanding
I hear from many couples who say that they don’t feel like they even know their spouse anymore. How do you start connecting? If you put time aside for your spouse everyday, you will begin an investment for a better understanding of your spouse.
The Example:
At 10pm every night Erik and I sit down for a glass of wine in front of the television and this is how it has been for years. Thanks to DVDs and Netflix, we share in many on-screen sagas but mostly past loved TV reruns that were a part of our growing up before we met. I believe that because of this, we learn little insights into each other’s personalities that make our marriage more fun. We are sharing something that was and still is special to us. We are creating bases for conversations that will last way after the TV show ends.
The Results:
When we started dating, Erik had never seen a Friends episode in his life and I had no previous sci-fi experience.
After years of studying Friends with me, Erik has fallen in love with the characters just as I did years ago. He also has a better appreciation for why I appreciate just what a gentleman he is and why people associate me with Monica. We can barely get through a day without some kind of inside joke relating to Friends that only the two of us would understand.
In the same way, I sat down to take in the full Star Trek: The Next Generation experience. I now have a much better understanding for why intelligent young men would love this show. I even developed a better respect for the actors who worked so hard to make these roles believable. A part of Erik’s life that was once seen as a little odd to me, now is something I can share in admiring.
Quantity Time Ends Up as Quality Time
If you both truly focus on setting aside Quantity time each day, it will begin to be Quality Time. When you make time together, no matter what you are doing, you are together. While you are running errands together, very important items may come to your mind that need attention and your spouse is already with you. Because you make time everyday for each other, something funny that the kids said will be shared together right away instead of weeks from now. You are creating memories together.
Bottom Line: Prioritize Quantity Time with Your Spouse and it Will Improve Your Marriage!
“You’ll Bounce Back”
The Nightmare Returns
I had 5 seizures last month within a week. It took me over a week after that to feel like I was myself again. During that difficult time, I questioned myself often. I wondered if this would be the time I would never come back to normal. There were so many voices in my head with questions. Some of those voices tried to convince me there was no hope for going back to what had been.
Words from Friends
Speaking to friends helped to create some normalcy for me but I knew in my heart they could tell I was not myself. I decided the best thing to do was to pretend everything was going to be all right. With some of my friends who have known me and my epilepsy for years and years, they knew from experience how to play along and I needed that. However it seemed a little different when I got on the phone for my weekly meeting with my career accountability partner.
She and I have been successfully encouraging and each other for almost 2 years now and I can’t imagine what I would do without her. I shared with her last month that I had experienced this disaster and that I wondered if I would be able to continue on with my speaking career. Her response: “Don’t say that. You’ll bounce back, you always do!”
A Surprise Result
At first I was surprised that she was not more understanding but I quickly realized that was exactly what I needed to hear. I didn’t need someone telling me they felt sorry for me and all I had to go through. I needed someone to remind me that they have seen me succeed through this difficulty before and they have no doubt that I will recover in full.
I replayed her response over and over in my head for the next couple of weeks. Every day after that I seemed to see progress and now I can say that I truly feel I have “bounced back”. I used her words to drown out the voices who wanted to give up and I am so thankful I did.
Remind Yourself
What voices are you listening to today? Remember to listen to the voices from those who believe you will succeed and not those voices in your head who keep telling you failure is your only option. Listening to those who believe in you is not the easy choice because the voices in your head give you an excuse to give up. The voices who believe in you require you to do the work that leads to that success.
Remind yourself over and over while you take each small step forward after a fall, “You’ll bounce back” and you will.
Permission to Watch Friends
Wow! What a week! I was honored to share my story and mission at three separate events this past week. As a result, you can imagine that my emotions have been all over the place. One specific emotion that always seems to seep in no matter how positive the comments may be is the bitter monster of “self-doubt”.
Self-doubt has lured its ugly face into my head way too often. I am a generally positive person but I can be very quick to assume the worst about myself and my work. From conversations I have had with others, this is not specific to me.
Two Questions and Two Answers
Today I am working through two questions:
1) What are my plans for the future?
2) What can I learn from my experiences this past week to make that future even better?
I know I need to have a healthy balance of both if I am going to grow and not repeat past mistakes. If I allow self-doubt to be the main emotion as I answer these questions I am left with these answers:
1) There is no future. Stop now and spare the world your story.
2) You made so many drastic errors last week that there is no point in trying to learn from them.
You may be laughing after reading the answers above but you know it is not hard to fall into that line of thinking after you have completed any kind of an achievement, large or small. This is true even for those who are very established in what they do. Once you follow self-doubt this far, it is very hard to dig yourself out of that hole alone.
Honest Close Friends
This is when I am so thankful for honest close friends. Yesterday, I was texting my friend Stacy about how I felt I had said so many “dumb things” last week. This was her response “If you truly say ‘dumb things’ as often as you say you do, I would have heard some by now. Therefore, I’m going with the belief that you are being hard on yourself. So go get some comfy pjs on, wrap yourself in a warm blanket, watch Friends and relax.”
This advice was so simple and yet so valuable. These words helped me to admit to myself that self-doubt had indeed been the cause of my difficult thoughts. They also gave me permission to take a break from those thoughts and to relax in a way that only a close friend would understand. In addition, they gave me the encouragement to wake up this morning knowing I could move forward with passion regardless of what “self-doubt” had once suggested.
Next Time
Next time self-doubt sneaks in to steal one of your successes, I hope you have someone who can give you permission to kick it out of your way for good. Just as I was able to do here.
Bad Tradition or Good Tradition?
Christmas/ Flu Season
Well, I have to say that this has been a very difficult Christmas season for me. Mostly because both my 6 year old son and I were sick with the flu during the whole thing. Every part of my body ached all of the week of Christmas. My only friends seemed to be the cough drops and the Kleenex box. Even so, we traveled up to my husband’s family in MN. I selfishly knew in my heart that his mom would take care of the cooking and the kids so that I could rest.
As you may know, it is very difficult to be positive when you are sick. Even during the holidays. When we arrived, I was greeted with hugs and laughter but also a bed that didn’t feel quite right and foods that didn’t fit my usual diet. I wondered if I had made a bad decision to leave my own home with my own food and my own bed. These thoughts continued as I realized how difficult it was for me to participate in any of the activities based on my level of energy and how often I was coughing for the full five days we were there.
Two Different Views
On Christmas Eve, there was everything from lutefisk to fruit soup. A Scandinavian feast fit for tradition, but not necessarily fitness. On Christmas Day, we opened the presents all at once which was much different from my own family tradition of going one person at a time as we sat for hours laughing and talking about each gift. My heart ached for my own family memories and my mom’s bedside care at this sickly moment in my life.
The next day, Erik joined me on the couch with a child-like spirit and explained how overjoyed he was that his mom had made every single dish he could think of from his past Christmas memories. Everything from rice pudding to cobbler for breakfast. He explained that Christmas morning was just how he remembered it with gifts all at once so they could focus on brunch together.
My Mistake
It only took me a second to realize how terribly self-centered my thoughts had been. We hadn’t spent Christmas with Erik’s family in a long time and now that we had, it was everything the man I loved could have dreamed it would be. It didn’t matter that the spread was a little more rich than I usually put out. It didn’t matter if the gift opening imitated my family memories or not. What mattered was that my husband saw just how much time and care had been put into every detail of this Christmas by his loving mother.
My New Viewpoint
Even as sick as I was, there was no excuse for how I had previously viewed my experience here. It brought such a smile to my face to see Erik so happy and at peace. I grabbed onto his joy, closed my eyes and began to see the past few days in such a different way. Our daughter, who never wants to cook, had spent many gleeful hours with Gramma in the kitchen rolling lefsa and preparing rice pudding for Christmas dinner. Erik’s dad took the time, after the gifts had been opened, to put the new hockey game and the airplane model together with his grandson. Also, I remembered the gluten free, sugar free banana bread that had been made just for me the morning after we arrived.
As you look back over the past few weeks with your family, I’m sure there will be good memories and not so good memories. I challenge you to take the time to focus on the tradition and love behind as many as you can and you’ll be blessed, even if you can still barely speak because of that winter cold hanging on.
How Do We Know We Haven’t Moved On?
I learned something about myself today: I still have mountains to conquer, one in particular. I still haven’t gotten over how I was treated by a specific supervisor from my past. How do I know? I saw that person today in a coffee shop and quickly left the store to avoid confrontation. Inevitably, she saw me and I had to do the right thing by assuming the social graces of asking how she had been and answering her questions of how I had been. I had not taken the time to prepare myself for this meeting. I didn’t have the energy to do it correctly. It felt so fake.
Immediately after this brief reconnect, I felt awful about myself. To me, it was like admitting defeat. I have accomplished so much in recent years. I am making a career out of sharing with others how to learn from their life adventures for goodness sake. How could I still be unable to face the scars left from that particular adventure that seems so much smaller by far than many other larger mountains I feel I have conquered?
What I Saw in Me
I noticed 3 things specifically that made me see I had not truly moved on from this life adventure:
Reality Check
WOW! There is still pain and resentment existing in my life coming from this experience that occurred years ago. It is now clear that I am still choosing to be controlled by that situation and that I still need to work through what happened there that brought me to such a difficult point in how I viewed myself. This squeaky wheel needs active attention to be useful again! Because of this meeting today, I will be taking time to go through why my brain still can’t get over this molehill and what I need to do so that it can.
What about you?
It is easy to say that we have moved on or risen above certain life situations but that may not always be true. Next time you are wondering if you need to work on freedom from the pain of a difficult life adventure, ask yourself these three questions:
It has been said that if we had already achieved all we could on this earth, we would no longer have any need to be here. I go back to that theory as I reflect on my reality-experience today. The truth is, we will always have things that we need to work on and learn to grow from as we go through this life. It is very important that we take what we learn during each of those times when we choose to move on. This will help us to still see value from the difficulty that we went through during that time. It does no good to simply try to forget. Still, our learning is not complete if we can’t move forward with confidence.
How Do You Take Your Coffee? Stressed or Unstressed?
It’s Your Choice
Coffee is one of those things that everyone enjoys a little differently. My father can’t have his hot enough and once it cools, it gets dumped on the curb on his way to work. If my mother doesn’t have her special sugar in a cup of decaf, it won’t do the trick. Companies have made millions attempting to get each of our requests exactly right.
This morning I realized just how much stress I put into getting my coffee right in the morning. I like mine relatively hot, but not too hot, with just the right amount of organic cream. My husband knows how to put just enough in the bottom so when he pours the coffee on top, it will mix in perfectly. I wait for a few moments until it is just right for temperature. Then, it happens…for a period of about 10 minutes, my coffee is at the perfect hotness to give me that sweet sense of pleasure and maybe even the reassurance that I will be productive today.
A Chance to Laugh at Yourself
But what if the phone rings or the kids forget something or Erik stops me in the hall? That’s right, I’ve missed my moment. I could microwave it but I know that the taste of microwaved coffee tastes just wrong for me. I could add more hot coffee to it but I know that will throw off the balance of the cream in the current cup. In a very short time, something that was once a symbol of success for my day has become a figure representing a lost opportunity for both my taste buds and possibly my feelings toward my work and family.
I know I’m not the only one. How many others have had their thoughts slowly sink toward discouragement because a small element in the day was simply not meeting our level of perfection? When I stopped to really examine my series of thoughts in regards to my coffee this morning I was truly thinking “What in the world?” No one put this stress on me. It was a choice. I opted for an attitude of frustration because of lukewarm coffee. However, when I really investigated my day today, I noticed how few other things I had to complain about. I was choosing to stress over my coffee because I simply didn’t see anything else extremely stressful about my day today. How could I not stop to laugh at myself?
It’s Still Your Choice
Right away, my attitude changed. After that giggle to myself, I focused on the beautifully lit Christmas tree that we completed last night. I recalled that Erik had done the dishes so I could get the laundry caught up. In addition, I remembered what I spend my time sharing with my audiences about learning from life’s adventures. Could an imperfect cup of coffee be today’s life adventure? It doesn’t take a dramatic episode to help us learn how to laugh. We can learn that through even the smallest daily items, even coffee. You get to make that choice!
Your Response to the Storm
One of the main takeaways I want to give my audiences is the message that we ALL have been through adventures in our lives. This means we ALL have a choice to make: After you have gone through a difficult life adventure, how do you decide to respond to those around you?
This past week was an adventure for me and my family. I had a seizure. This meant I had to choose how I would act as a result. I knew my husband as well as my two young kids would see my emotional response to this issue and base their response on that.
Don’t You See the Rainbow?
My 8 year old daughter especially would be looking for a lead to how she would feel since she was the one who found me on the floor after this test of our faiths took place. The day after the seizure, my arm showed very obvious bruises from the fall I had taken at my desk. She pointed them out and showed signs of concern and even fright.
I knew I could go ahead and feel sorry for myself and cause her to lose trust in her mother’s ability to handle life’s little bumps. Instead, I saw an opportunity to show her that a few bruises were not going to shake her mom’s world. I had already seen that the biggest bruise on my arm was actually quite colorful. I quickly stated with a pleasant tone “Don’t you see the rainbow?” I couldn’t believe how quickly her demeanor changed. She now had a smile on her face and laughed just a tad. The bruise was never an issue after that.
The Lesson
One of the most important lessons I believe we can teach our children is that life will not be perfect. Every single one of us will face battles in our lives that may seem impossible at times. We absolutely must be equipped to stay strong in these times and to help others stay strong in their battles. One of my favorite quotes on this topic comes from The Count of Monte Cristo:
“Life is a storm my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes.”
Ask Yourself:
How do you respond when life’s adventures storm in? What do those closest to you learn as a result?
Quality & Quantity Time in Marriage (Part 3 of 3)
I understand that quantity time may sound like something impossible and I hear you. Still, I believe quantity time is much less stressful to achieve than quality time. Let me explain.
Quantity Time Can Be Simple
If you are making time each day (even 30 minutes a day) to enjoy time together that may not be labeled as “quality” you are most likely sharing in regular real life, day-to-day experiences. You are getting to know each other in your “natural habitat” instead of locked in at a zoo for show. Quantity time may mean going to the grocery store together or even playing footsie while you read books. The important thing is you are together and you are learning about each other.
Quantity Time Makes You Feel Loved
When you begin to see that your spouse has made you a priority above other items in their life, you feel loved. You see that you are no longer assumed to be the one who gets just the leftover time. You realize that you are of value to be with. You are then refueled to see value in your spouse as well.
Quantity Time Equals Better Understanding
I hear from many couples who say that they don’t feel like they even know their spouse anymore. How do you start connecting? If you put time aside for your spouse everyday, you will begin an investment for a better understanding of your spouse.
The Example:
At 10pm every night Erik and I sit down for a glass of wine in front of the television and this is how it has been for years. Thanks to DVDs and Netflix, we share in many on-screen sagas but mostly past loved TV reruns that were a part of our growing up before we met. I believe that because of this, we learn little insights into each other’s personalities that make our marriage more fun. We are sharing something that was and still is special to us. We are creating bases for conversations that will last way after the TV show ends.
The Results:
When we started dating, Erik had never seen a Friends episode in his life and I had no previous sci-fi experience.
After years of studying Friends with me, Erik has fallen in love with the characters just as I did years ago. He also has a better appreciation for why I appreciate just what a gentleman he is and why people associate me with Monica. We can barely get through a day without some kind of inside joke relating to Friends that only the two of us would understand.
In the same way, I sat down to take in the full Star Trek: The Next Generation experience. I now have a much better understanding for why intelligent young men would love this show. I even developed a better respect for the actors who worked so hard to make these roles believable. A part of Erik’s life that was once seen as a little odd to me, now is something I can share in admiring.
Quantity Time Ends Up as Quality Time
If you both truly focus on setting aside Quantity time each day, it will begin to be Quality Time. When you make time together, no matter what you are doing, you are together. While you are running errands together, very important items may come to your mind that need attention and your spouse is already with you. Because you make time everyday for each other, something funny that the kids said will be shared together right away instead of weeks from now. You are creating memories together.
Bottom Line: Prioritize Quantity Time with Your Spouse and it Will Improve Your Marriage!
Quality and Quantity Time in Married Life (Part 2 of 3)
Have you ever met a celebrity? If so, you know that your time with them is usually quite short and stressful. I recently heard and met my favorite band in person. I worked on the questions I would ask them for weeks. Then, when I actually met them, it was a disaster. I stressed in the line about what I would say. I stressed during the time that I met them as I tried to use my few precious seconds of time for the best purpose. Then, I stressed afterwards rethinking what I had just said and wishing I had said something else.
After this incredible, yet draining experience. I realized that the reason for all of this anxiety was the fact that I knew I most likely would never see them again and I wanted to make the absolute best impression possible. Doesn’t this seem to be true about a conversation with anyone we do not talk to very often?
If you speak to a friend that you haven’t talked with in months or even years, it can require much more mental and emotional energy than talking with someone you speak to on a weekly basis. The reason may be that they have not been a regular part of your recent life and filling them in on past months may be quite wearing. What do you say in a short period of time that will update them on your life, create a memorable experience and leave them wanting more?
Quality Time Leads to Stress
This brings us to another reason why I argue that the theory of quality time over quantity time in a marriage is simply a lie. If you know you will only have 30 minutes to talk face-to-face with your spouse each week, wouldn’t that 30 minutes become a period of stress instead of a period of enrichment? You may do exactly what I did when I met the band. 1) Struggle with what to say while you anticipate the planned meeting. 2) Communicate your important thoughts in a way that comes across unlike you intended. 3) Spend hours afterwards rethinking what you should have said.
Quantity Time Leads to Connection
On the contrary, if you prioritize face-to-face time with your spouse each day, the opposite will be true. 1) You will look forward to a time of sharing updates on bigger life events as well as knowing there will be room to discuss the small items. 2) You will be more likely to say what you mean in a loving way because you know you can take the time to choose your words more carefully. 3) You may realize you misspoke during your last meeting but you will rest in knowing you can explain yourself better or even apologize very soon after.
Conclusion: Prioritize your quantity of time with your spouse and you will see how much less stressful your marriage becomes.
Quality and Quantity Time in Married Life (Part 1 of 3)
I know that you have heard time and time again that quality time is more important than quantity time. On some level I agree with that. Still, what happens when a married couple only sees each other for a couple hours each week? Even if that time is filled with joy and communication, it can never make up for having prioritized time each day for one another.
No matter how “quality” that 2 hours in a week may seem, couples have things they need to discuss from a week of activities. The definition of “quality” time may boil down to the fact that you finally set up a time for the plumber to come out on a date that works for both of you. That in itself may take a half hour or more.
Test Your Priorities
You may be reading this and assuming that more than 2 hours together a week is just not possible. I understand that could be true but it is worth it to your relationship to take a second look. Make a rough chart for a week in your life and see what it tells you about where your time is being spent. Most of the time the results may be a bit of a surprise.
The Results May Surprise You
A couple of years ago, I looked at how a week in my life was used and realized I spent an average of 3 hours a day in the kitchen. Yikes! That certainly did not reflect what I wanted to show as my true priorities. This hard to swallow information encouraged me to choose dinners that took less time to cook and to ask for help cleaning up. The result was that I could spend more time on what I wanted to be my true priorities: my husband and my kids.
Laugh Your Way to Teamwork
An Unusual Event
This morning, when my kids heard that we were having eggs for breakfast, they both offered to help. Kadence wanted to cut the bacon and Kemuel wanted to crack the eggs. I was admittedly shocked. Lately, when they hear egg are on the menu, they groan. Also, I have asked them if they want to help many time and it is extremely rare that they are interested in cooking. I may not make it look like much fun since I tend to be stressed out in the kitchen. In any case, I was convinced something must have changed in order for breakfast today to be so unique from other days.
The Theory
I thought about how yesterday had been different. I recalled that after school the previous day, I had allowed both of my kids to laugh for a good half hour after the got home. Then, it was time for homework and we muddled through together. At dinner time, our entire family laughed for what seemed like hours at the dinner table after everyone had happily cleaned their plates. We laughed about math, weather…even burping. We were pretty worn out by the end but the positive energy continued to flow even after the family comedy session.
Plans for Further Tests
Honestly, everyone in our house is an entertainer on some level so the laughter flows pretty freely in the Anderson family. Still, yesterday seemed to be an extra special fill of giggles. I had to wonder if this energy may have poured over to today and caused the enthusiasm for helping in the kitchen. I shared this with Erik and he found it interesting as well. Next time we clean house, we will plan for a family comedic pre-show. I think that may be just what we need to have enthusiasm for working together on chores. If so, bring on those laughs!