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R.E.S.T.

Why does the word “rest” seem to be so selfish?  When I tell the kids or my Erik I need to rest, I always feel like I dropped a huge bomb on my entire family.  Still, one of the most important things I can do for myself is to listen to my body’s needs.  That means if my body/brain are telling me they are tired, I NEED TO REST.

RESPONSIVE –

The best rest comes soon after you realize you may need it.  When you get that message, do what you can to take even a short break right away or make it a point to schedule a break later in the day.

EXTENDED –

Rest must also be long enough to do what you need for your body and mind.  You may be lucky enough to get refueled with only a 5 minute time out.  Still, many of us need 20 minutes or more so fooling ourselves with a 5 minute break is sending the wrong message.

STRESS-FREE –

Rest can also be misinterpreted.  If you sit down to “rest” and spend the entire time thinking about and stressing about everything that you are not doing, is it really rest?  Not a chance.

TAILOR-MADE –

Figure out what your definition of rest needs to be.  A nap on the couch?  A walk through the park?  Time in prayer? A hot shower?  There are many options and none of them are wrong if you achieve the correct response.

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New Rule: No Pancakes on Weekdays

I am NOT a morning person but sometimes I try to pretend I am.  Today I truly wanted to make my kids favorite breakfast of pancakes alongside the fresh strawberries I had cut up the night before.  Unfortunately, I woke up with a mission on my heart that my brain and body weren’t equipped to complete.

Trial and Error

When I came down and announced to my kiddos that we were having pancakes for breakfast on a Thursday morning, my nine year old daughter nearly fell over.  She knows, Mommy only makes pancakes on Saturdays.  My seven year old son shared the same excitement and hugged me tight when he heard the news.  I felt so proud of myself.  At the same time I felt a little uneasy since it wasn’t even 7am yet.  Still, I was determined to deliver on my promise.

My husband, Erik, was reasonably suspicious from the beginning (he knows me well) but he chose to give me a chance.  First, the microwave door fought me as I attempted to melt the butter.  Then, as I was trying to get an egg shell out of the mix, I tipped the bowl so that the contents spilled all over the counter and floor.  It wasn’t long before I was showing my frustration clear as day.  Any excitement over the planned meal was overridden with the uncomfortable tone of Mommy’s voice.  It was time to admit it: I was not going to be able to make pancakes for my family this morning.

Erik was kind enough to clean up and the kids assured me that cereal was just fine for today.  I felt extremely defeated.  Instead of a completely loving gesture to my family, I had ruined their breakfast.  There was no way of getting around the rumor that mommy was not a morning person.

Later in the day, Erik took me aside and lovingly suggested that pancakes should be reserved for weekends.  He knows something that detailed on a school morning was just not a stress I should bring to myself or frankly to anyone else who would be coming to our breakfast table.

Think About It

We all have dreams of what we can do and give to others we love and that is exactly how it should be.  Still, if those dreams put expectations on ourselves that aren’t realistic, the disappointment will hurt both us and the ones we were actually trying to serve.

Next time you have an “exciting” goal for how to change your world for the better, don’t forget to be honest with yourself about the tools you have available and if you may need to ask for help or possibly just more time to wake up.

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Let’s Figure Out What Isn’t Working Part 1

Defining Productivity

Lately Erik and I are measuring our days by a single word “productive”.  Over the past few months, it seems like the definition of “productive” means less and less.  Instead of being a true goal, it is more of a way to make ourselves feel good for even the smallest accomplishment.

For example, productive used to mean booking one or more speaking gigs PLUS getting workday hours in PLUS making time for the kids PLUS getting a homemade dinner prepared and cleaned up.  Now, it may mean as little as making one meal OR pulling the weeds in the garden.  This is NOT a good thing.

The Question of the Day

As a way to fix this issue, I decided that I need to ask myself “What isn’t working?”.  I’m willing to dig deep to find out what it is and how to fix it.  I know the whole world currently has one excuse they can use as an answer to this question but let’s set that one aside for today’s experiment.

A couple of years ago, I recorded how I spent my time for an entire week.  Because of this exercise, I learned that an average of 3 hours of my day was spent in the kitchen.  It was extremely eye opening and caused me to rethink how much time I have in a day for work.  This week, I will once again be recording how I spend my hours each day and assessing them for the answers I desperately need.  I’ll let you know what I discover.

Back to You

If you identify in any way with this issue of “productivity”, let me know in the comments below.  After that, list what you plan to do to figure out an answer to the question “What isn’t working?”  I’m excited to learn what you find out!

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Act How You Want to Be Treated

When I was younger, I had some pretty uncomfortable experiences with tests taken for my epilepsy. I don’t recall a lot of specifics. It’s like my brain has blurred yet escalated those memories. I can tell you for sure that the letters EEG and MRI cause me to clench up and revert to childlike behavior. I just can’t seem to get over how awful my first associations with those tests were.

Recently, my doctor asked me to have both those tests done again. I was NOT happy. It took me a while to admit to myself that this would be helpful. It took me even longer to convince myself that many things have changed since I was younger and it may be much different now.

At The Office

When I first walked in for the tests, I realized I felt like a frightened child and I felt disabled. Worse yet, I realized I was acting like a frightened child who had a disability. I was talking quietly and not standing up straight. This wasn’t me. I’m a college educated, happily married, mother of two and a professional speaker. Still, that was not what I was presenting myself as to the staff at the medical office on this morning.

The Real Difference

As soon as I realized the image I was projecting was so far from the person I had grown to be, I changed my demeanor immediately. When Patti, the tech performing the tests, started to ask me questions about my family and profession; my answers would be believable. Now, I was backing those positive stories about my wonderful marriage and adorable kiddos with every other element of my communication. My voice was confident and my questions were asked intelligently. When there was pain because of the tests, I explained what I was feeling to Patti but didn’t over-react. Things would be different then years ago because I am a different person.

The Question

When you get upset about how someone else treats you, ask yourself: “Are you acting like the person you want to be treated as?” WOW! That is a tough one to swallow. All of the sudden the responsibility is yours. More importantly, the opportunity to be treated as a better, stronger individual is in your hands. Whether anyone else notices it or not, when you decide to exhibit the traits of who you want to be treated like, you will treat yourself better. You will be empowered to get through whatever tests present themselves today because you know what makes you strong and you are prepared to share them with the world.

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Opening Up

Anyone who knows me, including my husband Erik, knows that I have never been comfortable sharing details about my epilepsy.  I especially requested that family members of mine, including Erik, refrain from discussing those personal stories.  If I chose to share, that was my decision.  If someone else decided to share about me, I would not be a happy camper.  This has been the case for most of my life, until now.

The Interview

That is why this recent interview done about me and my family is such a huge step.  https://www.popsugar.com/family/mom-with-epilepsy-shares-what-parenting-is-like-47485715   It symbolized for me and for Erik, that I am ready for a third party to have a part in sharing my stories.  Erik even commented that he felt a new sense of freedom in being able to talk about what we had been through because of my seizures because of my willingness to share in this way.  Frankly, we were amazed that a story in this article happened less than a month ago and we had already come to a place where we could celebrate the joy we experienced during that time instead of the misfortune we had on that day.

Asking the Question

Why was I protecting my stories for so long?  I think part of this may be that I had already witnessed others who heard about my struggles, feeling sorry for me instead of celebrating my strengths that resulted from those struggles.  I didn’t want pity, I wanted to share champagne.

Are you hiding stories of the triumph you have had over life’s adventures because you don’t want other’s to feel sorry for you?  It is an interesting question to consider.  Even if this is true, you will never be able to raise your glass in overcoming if no one hears your story in the first place.

Your Next Step

I’m not suggesting every one of you must go out and post your life struggles all over the internet but I am suggesting that you share.  Still, be careful to share what you have learned in your adventures.  Also, make sure that whoever has been empowered as a third party to share your story presents you as someone to be celebrated and not someone to feel sorry for.

I promise, you will feel a new sense of freedom when you give permission to have your story told.  It will be a new season of celebration and honor that will move you even farther in your journey.

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“You’ll Bounce Back”

The Nightmare Returns

I had 5 seizures last month within a week.  It took me over a week after that to feel like I was myself again.  During that difficult time, I questioned myself often.  I wondered if this would be the time I would never come back to normal.  There were so many voices in my head with questions. Some of those voices tried to convince me there was no hope for going back to what had been.

Words from Friends

Speaking to friends helped to create some normalcy for me but I knew in my heart they could tell I was not myself.  I decided the best thing to do was to pretend everything was going to be all right.  With some of my friends who have known me and my epilepsy for years and years, they knew from experience how to play along and I needed that.  However it seemed a little different when I got on the phone for my weekly meeting with my career accountability partner.

She and I have been successfully encouraging and each other for almost 2 years now and I can’t imagine what I would do without her.  I shared with her last month that I had experienced this disaster and that I wondered if I would be able to continue on with my speaking career.  Her response: “Don’t say that.  You’ll bounce back, you always do!”

A Surprise Result

At first I was surprised that she was not more understanding but I quickly realized that was exactly what I needed to hear.  I didn’t need someone telling me they felt sorry for me and all I had to go through.  I needed someone to remind me that they have seen me succeed through this difficulty before and they have no doubt that I will recover in full.

I replayed her response over and over in my head for the next couple of weeks.  Every day after that I seemed to see progress and now I can say that I truly feel I have “bounced back”.  I used her words to drown out the voices who wanted to give up and I am so thankful I did.

Remind Yourself

What voices are you listening to today?  Remember to listen to the voices from those who believe you will succeed and not those voices in your head who keep telling you failure is your only option.  Listening to those who believe in you is not the easy choice because the voices in your head give you an excuse to give up.  The voices who believe in you require you to do the work that leads to that success.

Remind yourself over and over while you take each small step forward after a fall, “You’ll bounce back” and you will.

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Permission to Watch Friends

Wow!  What a week!  I was honored to share my story and mission at three separate events this past week.  As a result, you can imagine that my emotions have been all over the place.  One specific emotion that always seems to seep in no matter how positive the comments may be is the bitter monster of “self-doubt”.

Self-doubt has lured its ugly face into my head way too often.  I am a generally positive person but I can be very quick to assume the worst about myself and my work.  From conversations I have had with others, this is not specific to me.

Two Questions and Two Answers

Today I am working through two questions:
1) What are my plans for the future?
2) What can I learn from my experiences this past week to make that future even better?

I know I need to have a healthy balance of both if I am going to grow and not repeat past mistakes.  If I allow self-doubt to be the main emotion as I answer these questions I am left with these answers:
1) There is no future.  Stop now and spare the world your story.
2) You made so many drastic errors last week that there is no point in trying to learn from them.

You may be laughing after reading the answers above but you know it is not hard to fall into that line of thinking after you have completed any kind of an achievement, large or small.  This is true even for those who are very established in what they do.  Once you follow self-doubt this far, it is very hard to dig yourself out of that hole alone.

Honest Close Friends

This is when I am so thankful for honest close friends.  Yesterday, I was texting my friend Stacy about how I felt I had said so many “dumb things” last week.  This was her response “If you truly say ‘dumb things’ as often as you say you do, I would have heard some by now.  Therefore, I’m going with the belief that you are being hard on yourself.  So go get some comfy pjs on, wrap yourself in a warm blanket, watch Friends and relax.”

This advice was so simple and yet so valuable.  These words helped me to admit to myself that self-doubt had indeed been the cause of my difficult thoughts.  They also gave me permission to take a break from those thoughts and to relax in a way that only a close friend would understand.  In addition, they gave me the encouragement to wake up this morning knowing I could move forward with passion regardless of what “self-doubt” had once suggested.

Next Time

Next time self-doubt sneaks in to steal one of your successes, I hope you have someone who can give you permission to kick it out of your way for good.  Just as I was able to do here.

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How Do We Know We Haven’t Moved On?

I learned something about myself today: I still have mountains to conquer, one in particular.  I still haven’t gotten over how I was treated by a specific supervisor from my past.  How do I know?  I saw that person today in a coffee shop and quickly left the store to avoid confrontation.  Inevitably, she saw me and I had to do the right thing by assuming the social graces of asking how she had been and answering her questions of how I had been.  I had not taken the time to prepare myself for this meeting.  I didn’t have the energy to do it correctly.  It felt so fake.

Immediately after this brief reconnect, I felt awful about myself.  To me, it was like admitting defeat.  I have accomplished so much in recent years.  I am making a career out of sharing with others how to learn from their life adventures for goodness sake.  How could I still be unable to face the scars left from that particular adventure that seems so much smaller by far than many other larger mountains I feel I have conquered?

What I Saw in Me

I noticed 3 things specifically that made me see I had not truly moved on from this life adventure:

  • My natural instinct for “flight” was controlling my behavior versus the tools of wisdom I have learned and applied in other areas of my life
  • When I try and see value from this experience, it is there but it does not come easily
  • There is still an unpleasant physical response when I think about or talk about this person

Reality Check

WOW!  There is still pain and resentment existing in my life coming from this experience that occurred years ago.  It is now clear that I am still choosing to be controlled by that situation and that I still need to work through what happened there that brought me to such a difficult point in how I viewed myself.  This squeaky wheel needs active attention to be useful again!  Because of this meeting today, I will be taking time to go through why my brain still can’t get over this molehill and what I need to do so that it can.

What about you?

It is easy to say that we have moved on or risen above certain life situations but that may not always be true.  Next time you are wondering if you need to work on freedom from the pain of a difficult life adventure, ask yourself these three questions:

  • Instinct or Wisdom – Is my response to this situation based on instinct or wisdom?
  • Value – Can I honestly look back and see value gained from this experience that I feel confident sharing?
  • Physical Response – Does the thought of this experience still cause a negative physical response?

It has been said that if we had already achieved all we could on this earth, we would no longer have any need to be here.  I go back to that theory as I reflect on my reality-experience today.  The truth is, we will always have things that we need to work on and learn to grow from as we go through this life.  It is very important that we take what we learn during each of those times when we choose to move on.  This will help us to still see value from the difficulty that we went through during that time.  It does no good to simply try to forget.  Still, our learning is not complete if we can’t move forward with confidence.

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How Do You Take Your Coffee?  Stressed or Unstressed?

It’s Your Choice

Coffee is one of those things that everyone enjoys a little differently.  My father can’t have his hot enough and once it cools, it gets dumped on the curb on his way to work.  If my mother doesn’t have her special sugar in a cup of decaf, it won’t do the trick.  Companies have made millions attempting to get each of our requests exactly right.

This morning I realized just how much stress I put into getting my coffee right in the morning.  I like mine relatively hot, but not too hot, with just the right amount of organic cream.  My husband knows how to put just enough in the bottom so when he pours the coffee on top, it will mix in perfectly.  I wait for a few moments until it is just right for temperature.  Then, it happens…for a period of about 10 minutes, my coffee is at the perfect hotness to give me that sweet sense of pleasure and maybe even the reassurance that I will be productive today.

A Chance to Laugh at Yourself

But what if the phone rings or the kids forget something or Erik stops me in the hall?  That’s right, I’ve missed my moment.  I could microwave it but I know that the taste of microwaved coffee tastes just wrong for me.  I could add more hot coffee to it but I know that will throw off the balance of the cream in the current cup.  In a very short time, something that was once a symbol of success for my day has become a figure representing a lost opportunity for both my taste buds and possibly my feelings toward my work and family.

I know I’m not the only one.  How many others have had their thoughts slowly sink toward discouragement because a small element in the day was simply not meeting our level of perfection?  When I stopped to really examine my series of thoughts in regards to my coffee this morning I was truly thinking “What in the world?”  No one put this stress on me.  It was a choice.  I opted for an attitude of frustration because of lukewarm coffee.  However, when I really investigated my day today, I noticed how few other things I had to complain about.  I was choosing to stress over my coffee because I simply didn’t see anything else extremely stressful about my day today.  How could I not stop to laugh at myself?

It’s Still Your Choice

Right away, my attitude changed.  After that giggle to myself, I focused on the beautifully lit Christmas tree that we completed last night.  I recalled that Erik had done the dishes so I could get the laundry caught up.  In addition, I remembered what I spend my time sharing with my audiences about learning from life’s adventures.  Could an imperfect cup of coffee be today’s life adventure?  It doesn’t take a dramatic episode to help us learn how to laugh.  We can learn that through even the smallest daily items, even coffee.  You get to make that choice!

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Your Response to the Storm

One of the main takeaways I want to give my audiences is the message that we ALL have been through adventures in our lives.  This means we ALL have a choice to make: After you have gone through a difficult life adventure, how do you decide to respond to those around you?

This past week was an adventure for me and my family.  I had a seizure.  This meant I had to choose how I would act as a result.  I knew my husband as well as my two young kids would see my emotional response to this issue and base their response on that.

Don’t You See the Rainbow?

My 8 year old daughter especially would be looking for a lead to how she would feel since she was the one who found me on the floor after this test of our faiths took place.  The day after the seizure, my arm showed very obvious bruises from the fall I had taken at my desk.  She pointed them out and showed signs of concern and even fright.

I knew I could go ahead and feel sorry for myself and cause her to lose trust in her mother’s ability to handle life’s little bumps.  Instead, I saw an opportunity to show her that a few bruises were not going to shake her mom’s world.  I had already seen that the biggest bruise on my arm was actually quite colorful.  I quickly stated with a pleasant tone “Don’t you see the rainbow?”  I couldn’t believe how quickly her demeanor changed.  She now had a smile on her face and laughed just a tad.  The bruise was never an issue after that.

The Lesson

One of the most important lessons I believe we can teach our children is that life will not be perfect.  Every single one of us will face battles in our lives that may seem impossible at times.  We absolutely must be equipped to stay strong in these times and to help others stay strong in their battles.  One of my favorite quotes on this topic comes from The Count of Monte Cristo:

“Life is a storm my young friend.  You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next.  What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes.”

Ask Yourself:

How do you respond when life’s adventures storm in?  What do those closest to you learn as a result?

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