Do you WANT to listen to your spouse?

I believe in a healthy and fun relationship, you need to genuinely enjoy listening to one another.  Ask yourself: when they talk, do you find it almost impossible not to listen or do you seem to gaze off wishing your phone would interrupt for any reason?

Erik and I came into our relationship with many overlapping interests but also many that I would not have figured I would ever learn to appreciate.  However, with the way he explains the details in the Battle of Midway or the ways that a bassoon can change the whole feel of a music piece, how could I not be drawn in for more?  I learn so much from him every day.

Also, he makes it clear he hears my every word.  When I bring up funny questions about why a certain wine tastes just right or my new decisions on which lilies to buy for the garden, he listens and remembers my words and contributes to my thoughts and ideas…sometimes even buys me books to expand on those interests so I can grow even more.

  • Actively listen to your spouse when they talk
    • Make it clear that things such as phones and the TV are set aside
    • Don’t talk over them or let anyone else interrupt
  • Respond in a way that let’s them know you paid attention
    • Ask questions
    • Bring up additional similar thoughts on the same topic for discussion, even days later

You will be surprised what you learn!

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Quality & Quantity Time in Marriage (Part 3 of 3)

I understand that quantity time may sound like something impossible and I hear you.  Still, I believe quantity time is much less stressful to achieve than quality time.  Let me explain.

Quantity Time Can Be Simple

If you are making time each day (even 30 minutes a day) to enjoy time together that may not be labeled as “quality” you are most likely sharing in regular real life, day-to-day experiences.  You are getting to know each other in your “natural habitat” instead of locked in at a zoo for show.  Quantity time may mean going to the grocery store together or even playing footsie while you read books.  The important thing is you are together and you are learning about each other.

Quantity Time Makes You Feel Loved

When you begin to see that your spouse has made you a priority above other items in their life, you feel loved.  You see that you are no longer assumed to be the one who gets just the leftover time.  You realize that you are of value to be with.  You are then refueled to see value in your spouse as well.

Quantity Time Equals Better Understanding

I hear from many couples who say that they don’t feel like they even know their spouse anymore.  How do you start connecting?  If you put time aside for your spouse everyday, you will begin an investment for a better understanding of your spouse.

The Example:

At 10pm every night Erik and I sit down for a glass of wine in front of the television and this is how it has been for years.  Thanks to DVDs and Netflix, we share in many on-screen sagas but mostly past loved TV reruns that were a part of our growing up before we met.  I believe that because of this, we learn little insights into each other’s personalities that make our marriage more fun.  We are sharing something that was and still is special to us.  We are creating bases for conversations that will last way after the TV show ends.

The Results:

When we started dating, Erik had never seen a Friends episode in his life and I had no previous sci-fi experience.

After years of studying Friends with me, Erik has fallen in love with the characters just as I did years ago.  He also has a better appreciation for why I appreciate just what a gentleman he is and why people associate me with Monica.  We can barely get through a day without some kind of inside joke relating to Friends that only the two of us would understand.

In the same way, I sat down to take in the full Star Trek: The Next Generation experience.  I now have a much better understanding for why intelligent young men would love this show.  I even developed a better respect for the actors who worked so hard to make these roles believable.  A part of Erik’s life that was once seen as a little odd to me, now is something I can share in admiring.

Quantity Time Ends Up as Quality Time

If you both truly focus on setting aside Quantity time each day, it will begin to be Quality Time.  When you make time together, no matter what you are doing, you are together.  While you are running errands together, very important items may come to your mind that need attention and your spouse is already with you.  Because you make time everyday for each other, something funny that the kids said will be shared together right away instead of weeks from now.  You are creating memories together.

Bottom Line: Prioritize Quantity Time with Your Spouse and it Will Improve Your Marriage!
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Quality and Quantity Time in Married Life (Part 2 of 3)

Have you ever met a celebrity?  If so, you know that your time with them is usually quite short and stressful.  I recently heard and met my favorite band in person.  I worked on the questions I would ask them for weeks.  Then, when I actually met them, it was a disaster.  I stressed in the line about what I would say.  I stressed during the time that I met them as I tried to use my few precious seconds of time for the best purpose.  Then, I stressed afterwards rethinking what I had just said and wishing I had said something else.

After this incredible, yet draining experience.  I realized that the reason for all of this anxiety was the fact that I knew I most likely would never see them again and I wanted to make the absolute best impression possible.  Doesn’t this seem to be true about a conversation with anyone we do not talk to very often?

If you speak to a friend that you haven’t talked with in months or even years, it can require much more mental and emotional energy than talking with someone you speak to on a weekly basis.  The reason may be that they have not been a regular part of your recent life and filling them in on past months may be quite wearing.  What do you say in a short period of time that will update them on your life, create a memorable experience and leave them wanting more?

Quality Time Leads to Stress

This brings us to another reason why I argue that the theory of quality time over quantity time in a marriage is simply a lie.  If you know you will only have 30 minutes to talk face-to-face with your spouse each week, wouldn’t that 30 minutes become a period of stress instead of a period of enrichment?  You may do exactly what I did when I met the band.  1) Struggle with what to say while you anticipate the planned meeting.  2) Communicate your important thoughts in a way that comes across unlike you intended.  3) Spend hours afterwards rethinking what you should have said.

Quantity Time Leads to Connection

On the contrary, if you prioritize face-to-face time with your spouse each day, the opposite will be true. 1) You will look forward to a time of sharing updates on bigger life events as well as knowing there will be room to discuss the small items.  2) You will be more likely to say what you mean in a loving way because you know you can take the time to choose your words more carefully.  3) You may realize you misspoke during your last meeting but you will rest in knowing you can explain yourself better or even apologize very soon after.

Conclusion: Prioritize your quantity of time with your spouse and you will see how much less stressful your marriage becomes.
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Quality and Quantity Time in Married Life (Part 1 of 3)

I know that you have heard time and time again that quality time is more important than quantity time.  On some level I agree with that.  Still, what happens when a married couple only sees each other for a couple hours each week?  Even if that time is filled with joy and communication, it can never make up for having prioritized time each day for one another.

No matter how “quality” that 2 hours in a week may seem, couples have things they need to discuss from a week of activities.  The definition of “quality” time may boil down to the fact that you finally set up a time for the plumber to come out on a date that works for both of you.  That in itself may take a half hour or more.

Test Your Priorities
You may be reading this and assuming that more than 2 hours together a week is just not possible.  I understand that could be true but it is worth it to your relationship to take a second look.  Make a rough chart for a week in your life and see what it tells you about where your time is being spent.  Most of the time the results may be a bit of a surprise.

The Results May Surprise You
A couple of years ago, I looked at how a week in my life was used and realized I spent an average of 3 hours a day in the kitchen.  Yikes!  That certainly did not reflect what I wanted to show as my true priorities.  This hard to swallow information encouraged me to choose dinners that took less time to cook and to ask for help cleaning up.  The result was that I could spend more time on what I wanted to be my true priorities: my husband and my kids.

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